what to expect when you're expecting
by Minnionette
Summary: Mayuri never did extol the virtues of the ethical scientist. Which is how six powerful male Shinigami found themselves pregnant, and the invasion to Hueco Mundo gets put on hold due to emergency maternity leave. Crack!fic that lampoons MPREG.
1. Chapter 1

TITLE - what to expect when you're expecting  
FANDOM & CATEGORY - BLEACH; and this, people, is crack. Sheer, unadulterated, absolute crack.  
PAIRING(S) - none so far  
RATING - M  
WARNINGS - male pregnancy (FOR SCIENCE!)  
SUMMARY - Mayuri never did extol the virtues of the ethical scientist. Which is how six powerful male Shinigami found themselves pregnant, and the invasion to Hueco Mundo gets put on hold due to emergency maternity leave. A series of short, more-or-less chronological chapters that lampoons MPREG. I would also like to thank delwynmarch for her encouragement, although I'm sure she never quite realized just how far over yonder I'd run with this idea.

oOoOoOoOo

The idea was planted, as many bad ideas were, with a question:

"I'm having some difficulty keeping up with the increasing demand of reiryoku these experiments require for food. How much would you estimate they may require within a week's time?"

The idea was fertilized with a stray observation.

"Mayuri-sama, it appears that they require the reiryoku equivalent to a high-powered Shinigami."

Then the idea was watered and placed in a good source of light.

"I'm sure those _philistines_ would be _useless_ in volunteering any of their reiryoku for this fine pursuit."

And carefully trimmed.

"Hmmm. Then again, Nemu, who said anything about _volunteering_?"

At last: fruition.

"Nemu, fetch my portable lab! Most of my targets will be drunk enough to perform surgery on without having to transport them back here! I shall carry these with me."

OOoOoOoOo

Byakuya knew something was wrong when he awoke. He felt unusually tired, his mouth was parched, and his back hurt. Such a grogginess was incomprehensible when he had participated in only one small cup of sake before retiring to his estate with Rukia on tow.

He pressed a hand against the small of his back as he made his way into the bathroom for morning toiletries – he _certainly_ hadn't drank enough to make his kidneys ache. He paused a moment to scowl at his reflection; he didn't remember bags under his eyes. A hand pressed against his face and cheeks detected increased temperature.

Some inconsiderate moron probably came to the party sick with the flu, and now he had gone and caught it.

He would just have to visit the Fourth Division later that day.

oOoOoOoOo

Shuhei awoke in the large room where the party had taken place the night before. He was covered with debris (which was not unusual) and alone (which was, usually Matsumoto and Kira were sprawled out beside him). He sat upright – and then immediately laid down again when his head suddenly swam. It was most disconcerting.

And he had the _worst_ heartburn ever…

oOoOoOoOo

Ikkaku knocked on Yumichika's door. "Hey. How come you aren't at our morning spar?" He tapped his sword impatiently against his shoulder before he knocked harder on the door. The hinges groaned in protest from the force. Or maybe the groans were coming from inside. "Hyah!" He kicked the door down and stormed in.

Yumichika was clinging to the toilet.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?"

Yumichika sobbed. "The sight of one's reflection in the toilet is hideous and horrible, and no one should ever have to suffer it!"

Ikkaku scratched his head. "Well, you were kinda plastered last night."

"I've never been like this before!" Yumichika, without lifting his head, waved Ikkaku off. "Go away and shut the door! No one must see me like this. I wish to be ugly by myself."

"Fine, whatever." Muttering under his breath, Ikkaku picked up the door and leaned it against the frame. As he walked away, he heard Yumichika retching miserably.

oOoOoOoOo

"Hmmm." Komamaru sniffed himself. "How odd. I smell Mayuri's stench on myself." He sniffed a little more closer, then he prodded his stomach. He had a bad feeling about this.

It took two tries before he was finally able to leave his headquarters. For some reason, the smell of the mess hall's cooking breakfast made him incredibly nauseous.

oOoOoOoOo

When Kira had to take a piss three times in one hour, he knew something was wrong. Of course, the tenderness in his pecs was also strange, because there was no way he could be sore from lifting that many pints. He was also exhausted. And hungry.

And although he had no idea why, he was really craving red bean paste smothered with maraschino cherries.

oOoOoOoOo

"What?" Ukitake asked Rukia as he smiled over her at breakfast.

"Nothing, Captain." Rukia continued staring at him, though.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, it's just that…" Rukia blushed. "You're _glowing_."

Ukitake sipped his tea. "It was a fine party. I think it did me some real good to get out and see people, and just revel in the atmosphere."

Rukia shrugged. It wasn't just that Ukitake seemed to be in a pleasant mood (he always was), but he _glowed_. It was kind of a sexual afterglow (and she blushed vividly at that thought, because thinking of her captain having sex was far more embarrassing than thinking about her _brother_ having sex). His skin and his hair looked shiny, he seemed brighter, happier, more satisfied. She wasn't sure. But whatever it was, it seemed to agree with him.

oOoOoOoOo

When Byakuya finally reached the Fourth Division's general waiting room, his scarf carefully wrapped around his face so he wouldn't expose anyone to his contagious illness, he saw Shuhei arguing with Unohana. "All I want," Shuhei said in the way people often did when they were tired of repeating themselves, "is an antacid. That's all. Any little Fourthy could fetch that for me."

"And trust me," Unohana replied with that eerie little smile that said she was going to _heal_ you to death, "when I say you need to come to a private exam room with me." Then she looked over her shoulder at Byakuya and blanched. "You, too?"

That… did not bode well. But Byakuya maintained his stoic expression, and settled himself in one of the waiting chairs. "I believe I have the flu," he said.

Unohana stared at him for a moment, and then turned her attention back to Shuhei. "Please, _Vice-captain_," she said, deliberately stressing his rank, "before this request becomes an order."

Shuhei snorted insolently. "Fine then. Although that's the bossiest _request_ I've ever heard." Unohana remained silent as she ushered him into another room. And then she handed him an empty cup.

"I require a clean-catch urine sample." After explaining how he was expected to do that, she then told him to place it in the little cupboard, and she would return in approximately ten minutes to finish the exam."

Shuhei studied the cup in the silence of the room. "Well, that just figures," he muttered. He pressed a hand against his sternum. "Hurry up and wait, that's what I feel like."

oOoOoOoOo

Unohana entered the exam room where Yumichika sat on the cold examining table, huddled in a blanket with his face turned towards the wall. "I have the results of your test back."

Yumichika shuddered. "Don't beat around the bush, Captain. Just tell me straight. I'm dying, aren't I?"

Unohana tugged a chair over to the examining table and gently took Yumichika's hands in her own.

"I always thought I would go in the glory of battle," Yumichika said, his voice distant, "the beauty of my enemies' blood pooling around like a crimson lake. Not like this, though, with my beauty robbed and ravaged by cruel disease." Bold tears rolled down his face. "I plan to commit sekkupu before that happens, so that no one will have nothing but the memory of me as I am now – still beautiful, not yet wasted and withered away."

"You're not dying."

"… I'm not?"

"No." A heartbeat. And then Unohana gave him a smile that was almost a grimace. "Congratulations. You're pregnant."

"I'M WHAT?"

oOoOoOoOo

Byakuya narrowed his eyes in disapproval at the distant shout. This was a place of sickness. Was it too much to ask that people offer a little bit of consideration? Honestly; there was never any need to _yell_.

oOoOoOoOo

Unohana, having left a hysterical Yumichika to the cares of Isane, returned to Shuhei's exam. She was still waiting on the test results for Komamaru, since they required a different technique for urinary analysis due to his dog-like constitution.

She grabbed up Shuhei's urinary analysis results that one of her subordinates held out to her as she passed, and glanced quickly over it. Then she sighed as she entered the room.

"Seriously, all this for some heartburn?" Shuhei asked as she closed the door. "I knew I should have just gotten some ginger."

"Heartburn is often a symptom of other problems."

His mouth twisted. "Like what?"

Unohana said nothing as she placed her hands on his shoulders and sent her reiryoku questing through him. Shuhei gasped from the sensation; Unohana was often told her probes felt like cold water running through the veins, but she had never felt such herself.

Once she had confirmed her suspicions, she withdrew her hands and sat down before Shuhei. "It must have been one wild party last night," she said brightly.

Shuhei stared at her in suspicion, and then leaned forward on the examining table, his feet idly kicking. "No more wild than usual."

Unohana had done this a few times before with women Shinigami, so she always tried to break the news as positive as she could,. Pregnancy was such a rare occurrence in Soul Society. However, she had never had to announce such findings to _men_ before, let alone multiple men. "I must wonder, because somehow you're pregnant."

Shuhei stared at her, his eyes narrowed and his feet still kicking. Unohana wondered if he had heard her. Perhaps she should also check his hearing?

"Okay," he said finally as he leaned back, "putting aside the improbability that I, a guy through and through, could _possibly_ be _pregnant_ – because then that would cast doubt on your _own_ skills, _Captain_ – how do I get an abortion?"

"You can't."

"Now, that's just sexist, _Captain_."

"No, not like that, Vice-captain." Unohana's brow creased as she regarded him carefully. "It's what makes this so incredibly difficult, and is the only explanation why you are able to _remain_ pregnant without your body rejecting it: The fetus and its placenta is so deeply rooted in your reiryoku that it cannot be extracted without possibly doing severe and lasting damage to your core."

"_Lasting_?"

"As in permanent. Possibly, of course. And it would be very invasive and painful, I'm sure."

Shuhei spit. "Fuck. We can't afford possibilities of _that_ kind right now thanks to those bastards and their betrayal. But doesn't it take time to get pregnant? I mean you have to wait a few weeks or something before you know, right?"

"It seems to be growing at a very accelerated rate."

"What the hell's that supposed to mean? And how the fuck did this even happen?"

oOoOoOoOo

Komamaru snapped his maw and simply growled, "Mayuri!" when Unohana calmly announced that he should, against any and all logic, prepare to deliver a litter of eight sometime in the near future.

oOoOoOoOo

"Ah, Captain Kurosaki." Isane looked breathless and worried when she finally called Byakuya from the waiting room. Byakuya followed after her with the waiting room's decorative garbage pail in his arms, since the strangely overwhelming _stench_ of Kira's cheese-coated strawberries made him nauseous.

Byakuya had been shocked that none of the Fourth Division's members chose to speak to Kira about the faux pas of _bringing_ and _eating_ food in the waiting room. It was inconsiderate to sick people like him, who were so easily nauseated thanks to their illnesses. He vowed to have a private conversation with the man regarding this violation of common courtesy.

Yumichika flounced past Byakuya, his face an unattractive splotchy mess of tear tracks and a wool blanket slung over his shoulders like a cape, crying, "My life is over! Over!" Hanatoru ran after him, a handful of pamphlets precariously gripped in sweaty hands.

Byakuya wordlessly gave the Fourth Division the urinary sample they required, though it was the first time he had ever had to give them one for the flu While waiting for Unohana to arrive, he thumbed through the gossip magazine that was two seasons old. Byakuya made it his business to know everything that was going on – for knowledge, especially over others, was powerful – but he kept such business private. (It was why all the gossip magazine subscriptions delivered to his estate were in _Rukia's_ name.)

There was no reason why he should be sniffling sadly over the rumored breast reduction that one vice-Captain Matsumoto was planning. Stupid cold. Stupid rumors. Which he already heard and dismissed the year before.

Byakuya was lightly dabbing his nose when Unohana came in, her expression far too solemn for him to be suffering a simple flu or a cold. She performed a precursory exam, but her body language suggested that it was more for show: she already knew what he suffered from and was merely going through the motions.

Byakuya set aside the magazine and regarded her with equal solemnity, fully expecting to be told that he had just caught a horrible disease of some sort off of the likes of Captain Ukitake.

"Well, Byakuya-san, do you want the good news first, or the bad news?"

Byakuya thought a moment. "Bad news first; then I'll have something to look forward to."

Her lips twitched in an awful attempt to smile. "The bad news: you're pregnant."

Byakuya let that sink in for a moment. "I beg your pardon, Unoahana-san?"

"Pregnant. As in hosting a fetus that is so deeply buried within your reiryoku that extraction would be invasive, and may very well cause severe and lasting damages."

Byakuya slowly nodded in acceptance. To doubt Unohana's expertise would be like doubting whether or not there was an afterlife. And since they currently were _in_ the afterlife, there was little room for argument. "That is a risk we cannot afford to take." A pause, because doubt wasn't the same as the need for absolute, total, and complete confirmation… "Are you sure it's human?" _And mine?_ was left unvoiced.

"Not only am I positive, I can also sense that it shares a very strong genetic and spiritual similarity to you."

Byakuya liked his dignity, but one could always confide with one's doctor matters that couldn't be spoken with others – like one's barber – and still maintain dignity. "How is this possible when I haven't had sex in over two months?" Not since any interest he might have with fornication dried up when Rukia's foray into the living world was extended far beyond what was normal, let alone permissible, and contact couldn't be made. The continuing matter of his lacking love life hadn't been rectified as of lately, either largely due to his distaste in victory sex in general ... especially when _that creature_ was the one who rescued Rukia.

"I suspect," Unohana said carefully, "that this isn't a natural pregnancy."

Byakuya didn't even dignify _that_ with a response.

"I would venture to postulate that this pregnancy required artificial means."

Byakuya let _that_ sink in. And knew then just _who_ was responsible for this _travesty_. "I see," he said with a very quiet voice. "Before I leave to address this… _cause_ of my unnatural pregnancy… what's the good news?"

Unohana's smile was a little more certain this time. "You did mention last night at the party that your family had been making strong hints about finally producing an heir."

Byakuya blinked. And realized, by this point, that his dignity had probably dragged it's broken and bleeding carcass into a faraway corner and died an ignoble death.


	2. Chapter 2

**NOTES: **Figured I'd better change this chapter and get the story updated before I left for my vacation. I think I did a lot better job this time, keeping the names straight, and I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to point out my stupidity. :D

Also, someone had a question regarding why Kira's pecs were sore. One of the early signs for pregnancy is tenderness of the breasts. Which is going to be a different experience (and chapter!) for our intrepid heroes.

* * *

Jushiro was humming to himself when Byakuya entered the Captain's divisional quarters. It was a good place to rest before he continued onward to... discuss matters with Captain Mayuri.

There seemed to be an lot more freshly cut flowers displayed than there was normally … and was Captain Ukitake folding his Division's laundry?

Byakuya always did suspect Jushiro of being a secret housewife.

"Hello, Kuchiki-san," Jushiro asked as he turned and faced him, a tea cosy in one hand. "Rukia left for patrol just a little while ago, in case you were looking for her."

Byakuya blinked in surprise. He had never seen Jushiro in such… health? Yes, perhaps that was it. Jushiro had a surprisingly _pleasant_ color in his face (as opposed to a deathly pallor), his hair was glossy, and he, well, glowed, for lack of a better word. (The hair – it _couldn't_ be a new conditioner, unless that exceptionally well-endowed human friend of Rukia's left something behind, although there was the question of how the woman could have smuggled anything into Soul Society. Byakyua always suspected any number of instruments could be hiding in that one's brassiere, and no one would ever know differently without performing a full-body strip search. He had graciously volunteered his time and effort for such an endeavor, but Soi Fon would have nothing to do with it, for whatever reason she had in her head and wouldn't share with him.)

"What do you think?" Jushiro asked as he stepped back and gestured to one of the flower-filled vases. "I've very recently – as of this morning, in fact – discovered that I like flower arrangements. They make my division seem homier."

Byakuya stared at the flowers, and then grimaced when Jushiro flipped the cozy over one arm and then moved a few blossoms around so the whole arrangement would appear more balanced. "You're nesting," Byakuya said, unable to keep the accusation out of his voice.

Jushiro looked at him with a quizzical expression. "I beg your pardon?"

"You best see Captain Unohana as quickly as possible."

Jushiro frowned at that, now looking irritated. "Kuchiki-san, this is the best I've felt in a _long_ time." He turned back to his flower arrangement. "I will not be wasting Unohana-san's time with a complaint of good health! How ridiculous."

Byakuya sneered. "Have you been nauseous lately?"

Jushiro didn't even look at Byakuya. "_No_."

"Heartburn?"

"_No_."

"Mood swings?"

"Of course _not_. I feel fine. Why doesn't anyone else _appreciate_ this?"

Byakuya pushed down the urge to throttle Jushiro. "You're going to be one of those," he said darkly.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Now Jushiro faced him with a look of irritated impatience. And even with such an expression, the man _still_ had a healthy glow.

"One of _those_," Byakuya said again as he strode across the room. "The one who never has any morning sickness or bloating or mood swings. The one," he sat down on the cushion before Jushiro's tea set with uncharacteristic clumsiness, "with whom pregnancy _agrees_."

Jushiro was now looking at him with the same sort of concern that Unohana had given him. Byakuya wanted to throw the teapot at him. "Are _you_ feeling ill, Kuchiki-san?"

"I am pregnant, you dolt."

Jushiro smiled weakly, almost as if he felt this was a prank and didn't quite know how to react when it was the renowned Captain Stick-Up-His-Ass (a nickname that Byakuya privately admitted to encouraging amongst his subordinates) trying to pull one over on him. "Have you been to the Fourth Division, yet?"

"That's where I came _from_."

Jushiro's shoulders hunched. "Well, then, perhaps these delusions are a side effect of whatever medication or treatment you were given."

"I am not delusional." Although if he were, it would certainly be far better than the actual reality of matters. "This," Byakuya gestured to himself, "is the side effect of Mayuri's experimentation."

The healthy color instantly faded into a white of shock. "Oh my." Jushiro stiffly joined Byakuya at the table. "Oddly enough, I _can_ see him try… impregnating… Well, it's _not_ odd, now that I think of it, because it's certainly within the realms of his twisted thinking. And because of what he did, _you_ think you're-"

"I know, Ukitake-san. _I know_. Unohana-san herself confirmed it."

"Ah. I see."

"Which is why _you_ need to see Unohana-san."

Jushiro studied Byakuya's face. "Because you believe that I myself am also…" He couldn't say it. Byakuya didn't blame him, when he himself was having immense difficulty reconciling with upcoming motherhood. "And just _what_ would make you think that I might be…"

"Because," Byakuya said as he poured himself a cup and raised it to his mouth, "I _am_ pregnant. And therefore, in the spirit of pregnant women who sense the same in their friends, I repeat: you're _nesting_." He then yanked out the pamphlets from his pocket that Isane had nervously given him, and spread them across the table. "You may as well begin reading up on this as well."

Jushiro poked at _Pros and Cons of All-Natural Mothering._ "Is it just you and I who are… afflicted?" he asked, finally.

"I have my suspicions." Of course Unohana wouldn't actually come out and _say_ anything to him; she still had to respect the privacy of her other patients. Nonetheless, Byakuya had a feeling he and Jushiro were not alone, and that they would soon be meeting with the other… mothers-to-be.

oOoOoOoOo

Yumichika stubbornly holed himself up in his own private quarters back at the Eleventh Division, and Hanataro suspected the man was probably crying in a very quiet, pretty manner – and consequently ran the risk of becoming dehydrated. Which was a bad thing in pregnancy. The various information pamphlets that Isane had told him to give the Fifth-seat were wrinkled and sweaty in his grip: _What to expect when you're expecting,_ and _Gotei 13's Maternity Leave Policy_ probably needed to be replaced with readable versions. He also had his doubts that Yumichika would want to look at _You mean this is NORMAL?_ pamphlet, which contained exceedingly graphic pictures that depicted common changes in pregnancy. Hanataro felt slightly nauseous just glancing at them.

"Ah, C-Captain Kenpachi!" Hanataro wilted as he felt the other man loom over him. Then his mind did a loop-de-loop. He held out _You mean this is NORMAL?_ to Kenpachi, who eyed it with all the suspicion of an illiterate degenerate facing a restraining order. "This is a message from Captain Unohana regarding Vice-captain Yachiru's latest vaccinations."

Kenpachi immediately snatched it up and shredded it into confetti. "What message?" he asked darkly, his leaking reiatsu making Hanataro's bladder feel weak.

Hanataro managed to squeak out, "W-w-well, the message is clearly gone, so th-there's no message, and, so, I g-guess, uh…" Kenpachi turned away from him, and he signed in relief.

"Hey, you." Kenpachi grabbed Ikkaku and shoved him towards Hanataro. "Go pound on the pansy 'til he builds some character." Ikkaku grinned with bloodthirsty delight and grabbed the back of Hanatoro's shirt. As he was dragged from the building, Hanataro wondered briefly if he had recently updated his will.

oOoOoOoOo

Ukitake Jushiro was not a negative man. He did not allow himself to wallow in the poison of bitterness, or allow himself to linger on regrets. He found that keeping a positive outlook on life, of seeing goodness in everyone around him, of trying to share with others the wonder of happiness, provided him the strength he needed to get from day to day, especially on the darkest days when his lungs hurt with every burning, agonizing breathe, and he barely had the energy to push aside his bed covers.

So when Unohana, with the weariness of one who had seen too much far too fast, announced that he was, in fact, pregnant, and that no, Captain Kuchiki wasn't at all delusional, Jushiro decided – even if he didn't _thank_ Mayuri – to treat this announcement with all the delight and happiness that such might normally bring.

"I have noticed," Unohana said with just a hint of suspicion, "that you seem to be rather… open-minded about this news."

Having raised his younger six brothers and sisters, Jushiro was not only experienced with children, but also found them to be a rare delight. "Captain Kuchiki mentioned that pregnancy seems to agree with me." And it was true; Jushiro had been feeling warm and satisfied ever since he awoke this morning, as if all was right and well in the world - despite the recent events and a disastrous war looming in their future. "Tell me, do you know yet if I'm having a boy or a girl?"

Unohana cocked her head to the side, studied Jushiro for a moment, and then gave him her first genuine smile of the day. "You are the only one to have asked me that question. And to answer: no. Although the growth is accelerated, it's not _that_ fast."

"Ah. Just how accelerated would it be?"

"I estimate that the pregnancy will last three, possibly four months. You were impregnated the night before, and already you seem to be about two weeks along."

Well, that didn't seem _too_ bad.

"There are many health problems associated with accelerated pregnancies, Jushiro-san, and you are not exactly a robust young man in the prime of his life. I want you to come here weekly for close monitoring."

"Very well. But, Unohana-san, I can't help but wonder something." She waited in silence as he gathered his thoughts together. "How on earth am I going to _give_ birth when I lack the proper equipment?"

She smiled at that – a touch more sinister than he was used to – and explained cesarean sections. In great detail.

And with flow charts.

oOoOoOoOo

Shuhei glared at the cup of milk. He knew it was supposed to help with the heartburn, but the fact that he was sitting there with milk instead of sake was an outrage! Unohana had made it very clear to him the importance of avoiding alcohol during his pregnancy, and even included pictorial evidence.

He did his best to convince himself that such was the very reason he just wasn't feeling hungry or thirsty.

"What the hell is the matter with _you_?" he asked Kira, who was seated across from him. They were both in the Fourth Division's mess hall, and Kira had an entire smorgasbord of breakfast food assembled before him, all drenched in various condiments that made Shuhei rather nauseous looking at them.

"I'm eating for three," Kira muttered absently around his mouthful of eggs, peanut butter, and plum jelly.

Shuhei glanced sharply at him. Feeling vindictive, he waited until Kira was taking a slurping sip of his milk before saying, "Ah, so you're pregnant too."

Kira choked on his milk, squirting it all over his food. Four members of the Fourth Division jumped to their feet and collided with one another as they hurried over to perform the Heimlich. "Stop!" Kira shrieked, wrapping his arms around his stomach. "They're delicate!"

That made his would-be rescuers collide with each other again as they drew up short, and then quickly retreat just in case the delusions were contagious.

"Twins?" Shuhei asked after he took a contemplative sip. Blech. Milk was for cows, not men!

Kira was silent a moment as he stared down at his plate. He poked at the ketchup-covered butterscotch pudding a moment before he decided to take a bite. Shuhei really hoped that pregnancy didn't kill _his_ sense of taste. "Unohana-san seems to think so."

"Hmm. Just one for me." The two were silent for a moment then, Shuhei pondering his thoughts, while Kira finished his plate of food and pondered a second helping of plum jelly, peanut butter, and eggs.

Finally, Shuhei spoke again. He actually started with a laugh. "Oh man, of all the things I thought or was told when I joined the shinigami! Do you remember some of the propaganda they used?"

Kira, who just sort of slipped into place with the Shinigami because it seemed to be expected of him when his parents died, added a squirt of Tabasco sauce to his milk and said nothing.

" 'See the world,' they said. 'Meet new friends,' they said. Never once," here, Shuhei shook his finger at Kira's face, "did they ever say, 'Become an unwilling participant in a man's completely unethical lab experiment involving male pregnancy'!"

Kira glanced side to side at the sudden quiet that Shuhei's statement caused. All around them, the Fourth Division was staring, or quietly scooting away, as if he and Shuhei were rabid animals and it was dangerous to attract their attention by any sudden movement. Kira felt his face flush red with embarrassment as whispers began to rise through the hall. He slumped his chair and wondered if he could shut Shuhei up with a mouthful of Tabasco sauce and peanut butter.


	3. Chapter 3

It took a bit of painful maneuvering to get through Mayuri's little lab door, especially when the lab rats swarmed like an angry hive of ants, ready to defend their home and their queen against any invasions.

Although lab rats weren't quite the same as an angry hive of ants. For one thing, they weren't really trying to defend their base, so much as they were trying to snatch him up and haul him to the center where the queen awaited her daily meal.

"I said get off of me!" Komamaru snarled as he flung away another persisting lab rat.

In any other scientific lab, these lab rats would have been considered underpaid assistants. Mayuri only saw them as fodder for more experiments. (But not, it would seem, suitable hosts for parasitic pregnancies!)

"But, Captain!" Another lab rat, this one with its multiple limbs wrapped around his ankle, wailed in protest and tightened its grip. (Four arms were, Komamaru was _almost_ positive, not natural. But then he was an anthropomorphic dog, so really, he couldn't point paws – er, fingers, at anyone, now could he?) "We have to check your energy levels and karmic changes and biographic data for our latest cluster of blah blah blah blah wail moan gripe blah!"

Komamaru suspected that some of the experiments that Mayuri performed on his lab rats included brainwashing, as he couldn't fathom the level of desperate sincerity and sometimes mind-boggling naivety his lab rats had regarding Mayuri and his research.

Komamaru was quick to ignore the blather of nonsense as he used his zanpakuto to pry the lab rat free of his leg, cold-cocked another person into oblivion while sidestepping another pouncing lab rat, who collided off-balance with two more people. Free at last from the confusion, Komamaru slipped through another door, and then jammed it shut by forcing it against the frame so hard it warped the door.

With strength that somehow managed to escape being modified, the lab rats pounded uselessly against the door from the other side, voices rising in complaint and beseeching alike.

Ignoring them all, Komamaru raised his nose in the air and sniffed. He immediately turned to his left and followed the trail of scent. As he walked the cold, sterile hall with its bizarre blinking lights and not-so-motivational posters ("The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves!" "Just Because You're Unique Doesn't Mean You're Useful" "Happiness: The Moment You Realize You Have Finally, and Truly, Snapped."). Komamaru paused beside the poster that read "There Are No Stupid Questions: Only Stupid People" to pull out the small bottle of ginger-flavored Tums that Captain Unohana had given him for his nausea and withdrew a couple. He chewed three of them and then swallowed them dry before bracing himself for the impending confrontation between himself and Captain Mayuri.

After making sure that his stomach was going to remain firmly seated at the bottom of his torso, instead of trying to crawl up his throat like it had been all morning, Komamaru grasped the hilt of his sword and knocked the door before him off its hinges.

"Mayuri," he growled menacingly as he drew his sword forth and stomped through the doorway.

"Ah, Captain!" Mayuri cackled and pressed his fingertips together. "I am so pleased that you have come. I shall get started on your evaluation at once. How considerate of you to take the time and effort to find me."

"You have a lot of nerve forcing your perversion of science upon me!"

Mayuri, with the casual disdain he usually gave his scientific experiments and lesser beings in general (although there was little difference between them, he was sure), turned his back to Komamaru and started typing something on the near-by computer. "Hmm, yes. I was just contemplating what sort of anesthetics I could use to bring each of you in for evaluations without compromising the integrity of my implants."

"I AM PREGNANT, YOU UNETHICAL RAT"

"Hmm, hmm. You appear to be acting a little more moody than normal, but I sense little has changed with your levels of reiryoku. Until I get results from a blood draw, I hesitate to say such moodiness is due to hormonal changes, but I imagine that they would be taking place—"

"WITH OCTUPLETS!"

Mayuri's fingers froze. "What? Nonsense! I only planted one..."

The wash of Komamaru's killing intent made the computer explode, shortly before Mayuri was sideswiped through the wall. And the wall behind _that_ wall. His zanpakuto unsheathed, Komamaru lept after Mayuri with a deafening roar.

Nemu peeked around the corner. "Be careful, Mayuri-sama," she called over the sounds of fighting. "Brutal force could compromise the integrity of the implant's health and structure."

oOoOoOoOo

Yumichika splashed cold water on to his face and scrubbed his cheeks with the palms of his hands. He dropped them and gripped onto the porcelain of the bathroom sink while another nauseous shudder assaulted his body.

Without looking up, he said in a very low, very deadly voice, "You have precisely three seconds to move before I kill you. One..."

"Ah, sir," Hanatarou's swollen and multicolored face nervously peeked around the doorframe – and then jerked back with a painful squeak, barely dodging the soap dispenser thrown with such force that it would have crushed his skull on impact. "That wasn't three seconds!"

"Eleventh squad can't count," Yumichika replied, completely unapologetic as he lifted his face and scrutinized his hideous countenance in the mirror. He took a toothpick and methodically began to rearrange his eyebrows. Perhaps if he tried doing one thing to make himself _look_ better, he might _feel_ better. "What do you want?"

A hand, shaking as it waved a crumpled pamphlet, extended around the corner like a white flag of surrender. "I – I was told by Captain Unohana th-that I was to give you these. For, er, y-your condition."

"What value would I have for it?" Yumichika asked, eying the pamphlet with similar distrust that his captain had shown earlier. Yumichika, like many of the other 11th Division members, was quite capable of reading. The problem was simply that reading got in the way of fighting. Unless you were Boo and Hikaru, who often got into brutal fights over the interpretation of a literary work's meaning. The last time they had done so, it had been in regards to the relationship Archie had with Betty and Veronica.

"W-well, it's about how to m-make yourself more comfortable?"

The Hamster, Yumichika decided, had a terribly unattractive bedside manner. "There is beauty to behold in suffering," he murmured, trying to convince himself that this was, in fact, the very point of why he hadn't yet drowned himself in the toilet, yet. Yumichika had personally felt before this debacle that such a saying meant that there was beauty in making others suffer.

"Then, perhaps, y-you might like to read th-this one." After rifling through his pockets, the Hamster shyly held up the glossy pamphlet. The light from the overhanging bulb reflected almost blindingly off the cover. Yumichika rubbed his eyes, and focused.

_She_ _looked_ _radiant_. Her chestnut-brown hair was long and luxurious, cascaded over her bare shoulders. Her skin was dewy, soft, and pale. Full lips curled into a tooth-aching sweet smile as her face was tilted downward. Her eyes shone as she gazed upon her very pregnant stomach, her arms wrapped around it as if she were trying to cup the infant inside.

_What to expect when you're expecting,_ was the pamphlet's title in elegant scroll. A smaller subtitle read: _The Beauty of Motherhood._

Yumichika blinked – he had reached out and gently grasped the pamphlet, holding it as gently as a fragile robin's egg.

It was the most beautiful picture Yumichika had ever seen.

Then and there, Yumichika knew there was nothing more in the world he desired than to be a mother.


End file.
